"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this by all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll in a dead fish." James Gorman Jr.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
• Stray cats will not try to make the house cats jealous when they are eating THEIR food!
• Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence and will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled.
• Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
• Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
• Stray cats will not have special toys bought for them so that they will be tempted to come closer.
• Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times, maybe holidays.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
• Stray cats will not beat up the house cats when they come inside the house on days ending in "Y."
• Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
• Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sharpen their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
• Stray cats will not climb up the insides of people's pants legs, clinging to the thermal underwear, when they are sharpening their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
• Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

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